Affirmations · depression · meditation · Mental health · mental illness · Self love · Uncategorized

Sunday Affirmations

Some Sunday inspiration for the week ahead…

Today I will embrace life as it is and feel whatever emotions need to be felt.

My feelings guide me home.

– From We: A Manifesto for Women Everywhere by Gillian Anderson and Jennifer Nadel

I am strong.

I have a voice.

I do not need to be fixed.

I accept myself as I am.

In light.

In darkness.

In the grey.

I am here for myself no matter how I show up,

Breathe deeply.

Love fully.

Be here.

Be in the now.

Feel it all.

❤️

-Jill

Abuse · Affirmations · depression · meditation · Mental health · mental illness · Self love · Uncategorized

Acceptance

Here is a little something I wrote last week…

I have control over my fear. I welcome it and choose to let it be here with me today. I will not fight my fear or try to push it down. I accept you, fear. You are scared and alone and I will keep you safe. We can move through this day, and all days, together. We may not always be in sync or balanced, but we can understand that fear is not present to cause pain. Pain only intensifies when feeling is pushed down.

I am open. I invite warmth into myself. I trust. My openness will protect me and I do not fear what is to come.

Thanks for reading,

– Jill

Affirmations · depression · meditation · Mental health · mental illness · Self love · Uncategorized

To my Inner Child

I know you are so unsure of who you are and who you should be. I know how hard it is to feel like you don’t know yourself. You are so uncomfortable with yourself. I want you know that you don’t have to worry so much.

You keep looking for love and comfort, a place to fit, but you’d be better off looking into yourself to find that. You are lonely and too critical of yourself. Try speaking to yourself nicely, look inside your heart and connect. It may be broken but it will mend.

You will go through so much and you need to know how strong you are. You are worth so much. I love you so much. I wish I could be there to hold you and tell you it’s all going to be okay. I can sympathize so much with what you’re going through.

You are sensitive, we are sensitive, but we should not be ashamed of that. Our sensitivity is how we will find a deeper connection to ourself and those around us.

I want you to know how loved you are. You are worthy of love and respect from others.

When you finally find where you fit, you will realize it was inside. You fit inside your heart. That is your answer. And that will be your struggle.

Affirmations · depression · Mental health · mental illness · Self love · Uncategorized

Fear

I’m most afraid of failure. More specifically, the failure of being enough. Failing at life as a whole. I’m afraid the world and everyone will turn against me and see me as worthless and stupid and disgusting, which I am afraid I am. It seems ridiculous writing it down, but I am afraid I am truly worthless, stupid, and disgusting. And if others realized that, I would fail. If I let myself try and showed myself and took a chance, everyone would realize I’m a fraud, a failure, and I wouldn’t be good enough.

I guess this fear didn’t pop up out of nowhere. I have a controlling mother who had high expectations of me. If I couldn’t be very good at something, I didn’t want to do it. I had high expectations of myself. I had to do good at school or I would feel terrible about myself. I also had high standards about my appearance. I still do, to a lesser extent. I wanted to be very pretty and never fat. Of course, I was hyper-aware of myself and self-conscious and thought I was both too ugly and too fat (society chipped in some here), so I was very uncomfortable with myself. I developed an eating disorder in early high school. This was the beginnings of my mental struggles, controlling food to try to feel in control of myself. I still fear that I’m ugly and too chubby, but I’ve learned enough and am aware enough now to realize I’m privileged to look how I do and have an able and petite body. I am attractive and I even feel like it sometimes!! I’m also not so hung up on how I look all the time anymore. Anyway, progress.

This fear of failure I have is definitely separate from my authentic expression. It doesn’t serve who I am striving to be. It disrupts my life and is a major cause (I believe) of my anxiety and depression. It causes me to retreat into myself, numb myself, and avoid life. I’m so afraid of not being good enough, my ultimate failure, that I don’t even want to leave the house, or my bed, and try. And by not trying, I’m really committing the biggest failure of all.

I want to be a woman who can connect with myself and flow with my ups and downs. I want peace and balance to be the ultimate themes of my life.

This fear of not being good enough that I keep harbouring and feeding cause such disruption and sadness in my life. I only should have to be good enough for myself. I want to be good enough for my mother, but that may never be and it’s no fault of mine. I know I am worthy of my own love and respect.

I should not be afraid, and yet my fear runs my life. Almost all my choices. Too often my choice is to not try at all, which doesn’t serve me. It pains me and it hurts me and the ones I love. If I’m home hiding in bed trying to stay numb and not feel anything, I’m not serving anyone. I have a job where I could be each day feeling fulfilled and making a small difference. It is routine and it will serve my balance.

Tonight, I will tell myself I love and accept myself exactly as I am. I am not afraid to fail. I am afraid to not try.

Thanks for listening,

-Jill

depression · meditation · Mental health · mental illness · Self love · Uncategorized

Dark clouds

“I don’t want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washes over me like a sluggish wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can’t even see it, something that’s drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead.”

Margaret Atwood, Cat’s Eye

The above quote is the closest description I’ve found to how my depression feels. The isolation, the numbness, the shame, the feelings of worthlessness. Unfortunately my depression came back around this past week, much to my dismay. Every time I feel better I think that I’ll be able to handle it better the next time, but it’s so strong. I know I am strong too, but the darkness is so easy to give in to. The need to sleep was particularly present this week. Emotional exhaustion, maybe my body’s reaction to protect myself. After sleeping all yesterday evening and last night I woke up this morning feeling a little more myself. I missed work this week unfortunately but 3 days of depression (and only one really bad day) is somewhat progress. I feel like I’ve come out the other side of this one. And next time maybe I’ll manage it even better…

I can clearly recognize what led to this depression, so that is something and an important part of healing. My grandmother passed away last Friday. At first, I felt okay. Sad she was gone but relieved her passing wasn’t painful and she was finally at peace. However, everything that came after, the food, the preparations for her wake and funeral, the day of the wake and funeral, were pretty exhausting and set me off my routine and self care habits. All of these things went well and I needed and wanted to honour my nana’s memory, but I let my mental health suffer in result. With my nana struggling with mental illness all her life (bipolar disorder), my own mental health wasn’t on my mind enough. On Tuesday of this week, the day before I was planning to go back to work, I felt off. I could feel myself slipping into a low, but instead of doing anything to combat those familiar feelings, I retreated. I binged. I laid in bed. I distracted myself. And the next two days I was in a definite depression.

I thought it would be helpful to write this out while I’m still not feeling back to 100%. I usually save my writing for times when I am feeling quite good, but it is important for me to recognize my depressive moods and emotions as I’m feeling them and face them head on. I know if I had of confronted my feelings on Tuesday and did something (yoga, mediation, journal, talk it out) I may have been able to prevent the depression that was to follow.

I am lucky that my depression is so brief – I can guarantee I’ll start to feel better after a short number of days. But the frequency is hard to deal with. I feel like I just get going on a good spurt, back on track and managing my life, and the depression will knock me down again. When the darkness takes me over, it’s so hard to imagine I was ever happy. But, I am happy and I have a happy life to live. These lows cannot just disappear without me learning how to manage them. And that’s what I need to set out to do.

Thanks for listening,

Jill