I’m most afraid of failure. More specifically, the failure of being enough. Failing at life as a whole. I’m afraid the world and everyone will turn against me and see me as worthless and stupid and disgusting, which I am afraid I am. It seems ridiculous writing it down, but I am afraid I am truly worthless, stupid, and disgusting. And if others realized that, I would fail. If I let myself try and showed myself and took a chance, everyone would realize I’m a fraud, a failure, and I wouldn’t be good enough.
I guess this fear didn’t pop up out of nowhere. I have a controlling mother who had high expectations of me. If I couldn’t be very good at something, I didn’t want to do it. I had high expectations of myself. I had to do good at school or I would feel terrible about myself. I also had high standards about my appearance. I still do, to a lesser extent. I wanted to be very pretty and never fat. Of course, I was hyper-aware of myself and self-conscious and thought I was both too ugly and too fat (society chipped in some here), so I was very uncomfortable with myself. I developed an eating disorder in early high school. This was the beginnings of my mental struggles, controlling food to try to feel in control of myself. I still fear that I’m ugly and too chubby, but I’ve learned enough and am aware enough now to realize I’m privileged to look how I do and have an able and petite body. I am attractive and I even feel like it sometimes!! I’m also not so hung up on how I look all the time anymore. Anyway, progress.
This fear of failure I have is definitely separate from my authentic expression. It doesn’t serve who I am striving to be. It disrupts my life and is a major cause (I believe) of my anxiety and depression. It causes me to retreat into myself, numb myself, and avoid life. I’m so afraid of not being good enough, my ultimate failure, that I don’t even want to leave the house, or my bed, and try. And by not trying, I’m really committing the biggest failure of all.
I want to be a woman who can connect with myself and flow with my ups and downs. I want peace and balance to be the ultimate themes of my life.
This fear of not being good enough that I keep harbouring and feeding cause such disruption and sadness in my life. I only should have to be good enough for myself. I want to be good enough for my mother, but that may never be and it’s no fault of mine. I know I am worthy of my own love and respect.
I should not be afraid, and yet my fear runs my life. Almost all my choices. Too often my choice is to not try at all, which doesn’t serve me. It pains me and it hurts me and the ones I love. If I’m home hiding in bed trying to stay numb and not feel anything, I’m not serving anyone. I have a job where I could be each day feeling fulfilled and making a small difference. It is routine and it will serve my balance.
Tonight, I will tell myself I love and accept myself exactly as I am. I am not afraid to fail. I am afraid to not try.
Thanks for listening,