I’ve been putting off making this post for quite some time… a post talking about everything and the ups and downs since before Christmas. I have kept up with my Instagram posts and been honest about my struggles; somehow that just seems like less commitment and less work than making a blog post where I really try to “organize” my thoughts the best I can. I doubt I’ll come off very organized in this post since I’m really just trying to wrap my head around all that’s happened. So this post will be a “recap” of the past eventful couple months.
December was a pivotal month, for sure. I started back to work full time in a December 4th after being off since the summer. Coming up to December I was feeling very anxious about this and feeling a little off… but for whatever reason those feelings faded and I was feeling very good by the time my first Monday back to work rolled around. I didn’t even get nervous. Which, for someone like me who’s a little shy and nervous of social situations on a good day, should have been a red flag. My first day back was great. I was soooo happy to be back at work. I flew through that week feeling like a million bucks. I had finally gotten back to work and everything was great again and would be great forever more. Also, Christmas!!! Only, I barely slept more than 3-4 hours a night that week and I wasn’t exactly doing any self care practices. I was just happy. In the moment, I knew my feelings weren’t normal but I was feeling so good that I didn’t want to slow down. I was on a false high, likely hypomania.
Alas, with any high comes a low. The next week, my second week back at work, I was still super happy but a little more tired. I was feeling so good that that weekend I decided it would be a good idea to go out both nights and drink with friends… by Tuesday (my third week back at work) my mood finally started dipping and I was exhausted. Christmas spirit zero. I came home that evening and slept. I was so low the next morning that I didn’t go to work and slept most of the day. And same thing the next day. Thursday evening I thought I just had to feel better so I could get one day of work in before Christmas, so I meditated for a while and managed to pull it together enough to get to work Friday and feel good for the holidays.
But that didn’t last either. By Boxing Day, I was slipping again and that week ended up hitting the worst low I’ve had in years. I didn’t take my meds for a couple days which only made things so much worse with withdrawal symptoms. I was depressed. I couldn’t stop crying. My mood was all over the place. I had several panic attacks. My head was fuzzy, like I was in a fog. It was brutal. I thought my life as I knew it was over. Finally by the weekend, with the help of my boyfriend, I got myself out of bed and to a mental health walk in clinic. Just being out of the house helped, and talking to a professional made a world of difference. By the time I got home that evening, I was feeling a lot better and actually thought things might be okay.
One thing I did know was that I was way too unstable to go back to work and feel confident I could manage it. I decided I had to give myself some more time. I had to get a strict, healthy routine going before going back. I committed to a daily at home yoga challenge (@YogaWithAdriene on Yotube) for the month and basically meditated every day for the first two weeks of the month. I kept things simple. I went to therapy, I went to yoga, I did yoga at home, I ate healthy, I mediated, I got lots of sleep.
By the end of January I felt ready for work. I decided, on advice of my manager and therapist, to do a gradual return to work starting with half days. So far, things are going really well. I feel way more balanced in my moods and I’m keeping up with a routine of yoga, meditation, sleep, healthy eating, etc., to make sure it stays that way. If my mood does start to slip, I have so many supportive people who will help me and coping tools that I know can turn my mood around.
Referencing the above photo, I also got my first tattoo in January! I’ve been wanting one for quite some time and my two friends were going and asked me along, so I decided I’d bite the bullet and get one. I’m so happy I did. Not only do I love the tattoo I chose, but it was a really nice evening spent with good friends 🙂 So, the tattoos meaning… the open triangle represents an openness to change and the arrow above it represents progress! I love triangles and wanted something simple and meaningful to my journey, so there ya have it! I plan to get a lotus flower tattoo for my next one 😉
Anyway. I am glad I got this written out. I want to keep up more with blog posts, so here’s me committing to 3-4 posts per month!
Happy Friday and thanks for listening✌️️