“Healing is the end of conflict with yourself” – Stephanie Gailing, Astrologer
Hi! I’m new. I guess this blog is about healing. My healing, in particular. Hence the lotus flower… it’s a symbol that started to mean a lot to me in the last year or so. It symbolizes rising out of suffering. Lotus flowers grow and blossom beautifully from shallow, murky waters. Without that muddy environment to grow from, they would not be the beautiful flowers that they are. I guess I liked the idea of this representing my struggle… I’ve dealt with mental illness since my pre-teen days, so probably for the last 10 years. I wouldn’t be who I am without the “murkiness” of my past (and present). Of course, my mental health has not always been a constant issue, but right now it’s at the forefront of my life.
I’ve been off work the last few months. On the outset, my life was pretty well perfect. I should be happy (should is a very bad word but I’ll get to that another time). Anyway, I said to this myself over and over…. I should be happy, but I’m not. And truthfully, I am happy with my life. I have a great intact family, an amazing boyfriend, a university degree, a well-paying job and financial stability… I have a really good life. But after getting this amazing job and feeling like everything was set… I started to flounder. I started to not be able to cope. I missed a lot of work because I was too depressed to get of bed. Flash forward to a year a half later and it’s gotten so bad that I had to take time off and go on sick leave. So that’s where I am now.
I’ve dealt with depression before but this one is different. It’s not long-lasting, a few days at most, but frequent enough that it affects my daily life. The depression is pretty paralyzing when it’s present, usually I can’t get out of bed and my anxiety is high. After some discussion with a therapist I tentatively self-diagnosed myself with cyclothymic disorder. It’s a verrry mild form of bipolar disorder (which my grandmother has so the genetics are there) but the highs and low are neither severe enough or last long enough to be considered depression or mania. It’s nice to put a name on what ails me, if cyclothymia is truly what I have. It’s just comforting to call it something, it lets me blame myself less.
So what do I hope to do with this blog? Well, I love to write and my best friend suggested blogging could be helpful because it would make my struggle feel a little more meaningful. If people read this, maybe it can help others who are struggling. But even if no one reads this, I don’t really care and at least it’s still helping me heal.
That’s all I’ve got for now. Next post I’m going to write about my goals for recovery I think. Thanks for listening 🙂